What is anxious attachment style and do you have it?
Transcript:
You might be watching this video because you think you have an anxious attachment style or you’re with someone who you think has one. Right at the top I want to say, if you do have an anxious attachment style, it’s not the worst thing in the world. In fact there can be a lot of benefits to skewing more anxious in relationships. In this video I’m going to clearly define what an anxious attachment style is and we’ll figure out if you, or your partner, has one.
Okay, so first off, what exactly is an attachment style? Well, an attachment style is how we romantically connect with a partner. And there are four romantic attachment styles that we experience. Let’s go over them real quick.
Let’s start with Secure Attachment style. By far the most boring of the four, but definitely the most stable and grounded. So it’s got its perks.
Someone who has a secure attachment style is typically very balanced in partnerships. They can create stable loving relationships and develop trust with a decent amount of ease. They can freely give love and accept love and not question or doubt it. Someone who is secure isn’t afraid of intimacy and doesn’t freak out if their partner wants to get some time alone or take off for a few days. They feel safe depending on their partner to get their emotional needs met but if their partner can’t be there for them they can pretty easily sooth themselves or find someone else to be there for them.
You may not want to watch a secure relationship on TV because of the low drama but you wouldn’t mind being in one because of how nice and predictable it is.
Okay now let’s move on to the avoidant attachment style. It’s the style that everyone loves to blame the most and typically gets pinned on dads who are just trying to do their best.
Basically, avoidants feel insecure in close intimate relationships and can have a real fear of intimacy. They’ll be first to say they feel suffocated in a partnership. They have the hardest time getting close to and trusting others. They might want to maintain some distance in order to feel comfortable and at times can be experienced as emotionally unavailable. The avoidant treasures their independence and replenishes themselves by getting some alone time.
An avoidant can be hard to pin down but a lot of time they make up most of the single people because you’ll find them out of a relationship more than the other attachments styles. So you’re bound to fall in love with one of these cuties if you’re on the dating scene long enough.
The rarest style out there, is the fearful-avoidant attachment style. Which can affectionately be called disorganized attachment. While you may never run into one of these beauties in the wild, if you’re lucky enough to date one, prepare for the most gripping roller coaster ride of your life.
Not to be outdone by all the other attachment styles, the fearful-avoidant is a combo of both anxious and avoidant styles. So it’s kinda like 2 for the price of 1 with this partner. A disorganized partner will desperately crave affection and also want to avoid it all costs. While they may want to be badly connected with a partner they also mistrust and fear any type of consistent closeness.
If you’re in the market for a good looking cutie that drives you wild and involuntarily plays a lot of cat and mouse games, this attachment style is for you!
And then of course there is our pride and joy, the anxious attachment style. It’s the attachment style we are all here to learn more about!
Anxious babes have a deep fear of abandonment. Often times they feel a lot insecurity in their relationships. They tend to be the best at worrying and getting hooked on catastrophic thinking. They ruminate about their partner leaving them and crave as much validation as you can humanly provide them. They are the attachment style that gets labeled as needy and clingy.
If you’re looking to partner up with someone who is sure to let you know that you don’t text them back fast enough, then you can’t go wrong with an anxiously attached sweetie.
Okay let’s do a deeper dive into the anxious attachment style and find out if you have it. I’m going to ask you 10 true or false questions. Keep track of your score so you can get my official diagnosis at the end of the quiz.
I can easily get worried that my partner will leave me.
Arguments with my partner can make me question the stability of my relationship.
I’m afraid my partner doesn’t love me as much as I love them.
I want daily validation and reassurance from my partner.
I’m afraid that my partner will leave me if they really get to know me.
If I’m not in a relationship I feel anxious or lost.
If I sense that my partner is acting strange or different I worry that I’ve done something wrong.
I’m scared that if my partner leaves me I’ll never find someone as good as them again.
Feeling close is wonderful but it’s hard not to imagine what it would be like if that closeness faded.
I typically want to be more physically intimate and affectionate than my partners.
If your answer was True to six or more of the questions, congratulations, you most likely have an anxious attachment style!
First off, don’t freak out or feel bad about being anxious in relationships. It may feel overwhelming at times but I am going to help you feel better and less anxious overall in your relationships. I specialize in working with clients that have an anxious attachment style. I’m also someone who used to suffer intensely from an anxious attachment so I know what you’re going through. You’re going to be okay.
I am making a series of videos, and have created a special playlist for folks who have an anxious attachment. This is the first video in the series. The following videos will cover:
Why you have an anxious attachment style
How you and your partner can cope with an anxious attachment style
Why anxious attachment styles are attracted to avoidant attachment styles.
How to change your anxious attachment styles to be more secure.
And more videos regarding common questions you might have about anxious attachments styles. So if there is something specific you’d like me to address please leave your questions and feedback in the comment section.
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