How to stop falling in love with people that keep letting you down.

Transcript:

Do you have a pattern of falling for people that treat you like crap? Do you somehow magnetize partners that drive you crazy with their inconsistent and unpredictable behavior? There could be a psychological reason for it. There’s also a way to break the cycle. So listen up because I want to help you attract a partner that can stops letting you down and can better meet your needs.

First off, you don’t deserve to be treated poorly. And this video isn’t about blaming you. It’s meant to create insight into why you might be stuck in a pattern of dating people that don’t meet your needs and to empower you to seek out better matches.

If you’re constantly finding yourself in relationships with people that ignore you, send you mixed messages, are mean to you, string you along or just don’t appreciate and love you for all that you are, there is most likely a reason for that. I want to help you identify the reason, understand why it’s happening and then help you start the healing process so that you can find yourself in healthier relationships.

I also want to say that you’re probably feeling pretty exhausted. Repeatedly finding yourself in partnerships with people that don’t treat you well can be incredibly depressing. And I’m sure you’re trying your very hardest to pick people that are good matches for you so why this continues to happen might be mind boggling. Hopefully I can help shed some light on this situation for you.

Okay let’s figure this out together. I’m going to go over three common reasons you could be ending up in relationships with people that treat you poorly.

Reason number 1. Psychologically we’re attracted to the drama. Stay with me here because I know you actually can’t stand the drama. So it’s not that you are consciously chasing the drama, it’s that your psyche is subconsciously magnetizing it.

A relationship with someone who sometimes meets your needs and other times lets you down creates a certain amount of tension. Will they show up for you or will they disappoint you? Who knows? But it definetly keeps you on pins and needles. And when you get what you want from the relationship it creates a dopamine effect which feels fantastic! Every time you’re let down there’s inevitably a high that eventually follows. That dramatic rollercoaster ride is addictive.

When the relationship eventually crashes and burns you’re left with a drama filled hole in your heart that can only be filled up by yet a again, another dramatic relationship. And this is how the cycle continues.

So what can you do about? First off, take some time off when a dramatic relationship ends and don’t dive back into another relationship right away. Grieve the relationship, and maybe all the others before it, and really feel your emotions. You might be sad and bummed for a while. Don’t avoid feeling those feelings by jumping into another partnership.

Also, when you start dating again, take it slowwwwwww! Really feel the person out instead of diving in head first. Ask yourself if there is a feeling of familiarity. If there is, see that as a yellow flag. Often times there is a familiar spark you’ll feel at the start of a dramatic relationship. If you’re aware enough, you can spot the drama and end the connection before you get too attached.

And if you start seeing someone that’s good on paper but lacks the “spark” try sticking with them for a bit longer because you may not at first be attracted to a stable person.

The goal is to be really deliberate about who you want to attract and end things sooner rather than later if the drama starts to pop up.

Reason number 2. Your belief systems need some adjusting.

One of the biggest problems about being in relationship with people that keep letting you down is that it shapes your core belief systems about what to expect.

If we expect to be let down then it’s most likely going to happen. We tolerate it longer, we’re bracing for a let down, we scan for reasons it will fail and we have no idea how a relationship operates any other way.

If you believe you’ll be let down, what’s happening is that energetically you’re going to attract a partner who believes they’ll always let you down. It’s like two puzzle pieces coming together. It’s the perfect match. It allows both of you to continue feeling like you can predict what’s going to happen even if that means you’ll be frustrated and let down in the end. There’s just something about our psyche that wants to know things will be predictable even if we’re not happy in the end.

The way to fix this problem is start changing your core belief systems. Which I know, doesn’t sound like an easy task but you can do it. The belief system you have right now started with one tiny little thought. That’s how all belief systems start. With one thought that turns into a repetitive thought that turns into a belief system that you keep reinforcing for a while which then becomes a core belief system.

So all you have to do is create a new belief system with a more positive thought. And it could be as simple as, “I believe I’ll be in a really loving and sweet relationship that will meet my needs.” After you come up with the thought, it’s your job to do everything you can to reinforce it as much as you possibly can.

Journal about it, talk to your friends about it, find more examples of people in real life that have healthy relationships and hang out with them. And stop reinforcing the belief that you’re going to be let down again. When you find yourself thinking negative thoughts gently stop yourself, let those thoughts go, and pivot on to more positive thinking.

Once you start getting enthusiastic about meeting someone who’s going to be a better match for you, the more likely you’ll find that person.

Reason number 3: An important family member has always let you down.

Okay so if you keep experiencing relationships that let you down, chances are high that someone in your family has been doing this ever since you were a child. Most likely it’s a parent or caregiver, but it could also be a sibling, grandparent, uncle or aunt, really anyone that’s had a big impact on you while growing up.

We first learn about intimacy from our family members. Whether they are aware of it or not, they create the blueprint for what a loving relationship is like. And what we do is take that blueprint and carry it with us as we become adults and start having romantic relationships.

Instead of healing the relationship with our family member, we subconsciously try to heal the relationship in new romantic partnerships by looking for partners that are similar to the people that let us down so that we can try to work through our trauma and get the love and attention we so badly craved as kids.

Usually this doesn’t work because the relationship that needs to be healed is with your family member, not with your new crush.

So how can you start fixing this issue? Well, as a therapist I am going to encourage you to find a counselor to work through this because it can be pretty complicated. But essentially what needs to happen is that the anger, sadness and resentment with your family member needs to be worked through and let go.

Sometimes this can happen if you go directly to that family member and have a heart to heart about how you felt let down. If that person can take accountability for what they did, give you some context about why that happened and genuinely apologize, a lot of healing can take place.

If that’s not possible, you can try to do your own work to understand how that family member may have been deeply flawed and their inability to love you in a healthy way had absolutely nothing to do with you. Often times when we’re kids we start believing that it’s our fault we aren’t being loved in a healthy way. It’s not your fault and if you can understand that at a deep level you can feel more whole and you’ll be more able to attract other people that are whole.

Healing a relationship with a family member that didn’t love you well can be a lifelong process. Forgiveness can get you there but sometimes it’s not possible to forgive someone who hurt you badly.

For me personally, I practice mindfulness around this issue. Multiple family members were big let downs for me and that’s something I need to keep in mind when I have intimate relationships. I’ll regularly check in with myself when I get upset with my partner and ask, am I mad at my partner or am I feeling triggered about something a family member has done to me in the past.

This has allowed me to keep most of my trauma in the past so that I don’t keep re-traumatizing myself in new relationships.

You don’t have to keep finding yourself in bad relationships. You can change the pattern. It just takes awareness, deliberate intent, honesty and patience. If you want to learn more about healing old wounds let me know in the comment section.

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