11 invalidating things you’re saying to your partner when they’re upset.
11 invalidating things you’re saying to your partner when they’re upset.
You don’t want to invalidate your partners emotions! You want them to feel heard, seen and understood! If you want to feel connected and happy in your relationship you’ll want to be sure to stay away from statements that invalidate your sweeties emotional experience. I want to help you steer clear of inadvertently making your cutie feel like you don’t understand how they’re feeling.
Okay as a disclaimer, for all my neurodiverent folks that are watching this video, you might not be able to feel sympathy or empathy. And because of that you might say one of these “invalidating” things on this list. I’m not mad at you about that and I hope you can also find a partner who could understand your specific situation. The advice I’m giving in this video might not apply to you. I’ll make a separate post just for you in the future.
For everyone else that can access feelings of sympathy and empathy, I want to kindly suggest you stay away from saying the following 11 statements. After we get through the list I’ll tell you how you can easily make sure your partner feels emotionally seen.
Okay!
1. Everything happens for a reason
Does it? While this might feel good to you, it’s not something you should say to your partner who’s going through a rough time. It does nothing to make them feel better. And what message are you trying to send here? That it’s their fault they got diagnosed with cancer? That they’re supposed to learn some sorta lesson from their tragedy? I get what you’re going for here but when your partner is flooded with depression this will only make things worse.
2. You did the same thing to me!
Okay this might be the number one thing I hear when a couple is fighting in front of me. Oh it’s so tempting to be like, “really?? You’re pissed because I ignored you at the party? You always do that to me!” While it may be 100% true that your partner could be accused of the same thing, try your very hardest to focus on what they’re saying and the emotions they’re feeling instead of being defensive and making them feel even worse.
3. You’re not remembering anything correctly.
Whether you’re doing it on purpose or not, you’re slipping into gaslighting territory when you question your partner like this. You’re making them question their reality. Even if they’re not remembering the details correctly, they are feeling their feelings correctly, there is no wrong way to feel them, and that’s what needs to be focused on first. You can get to the details later on if it’s really important. As tempting as it can be, try not to invalidate them by suggesting they don’t have the facts straight.
4. This is how you can fix it
Okay men, stop saying this!!!! I know I know, not all men. Well I guess all men except for me. I’m kidding! There are plenty of caring guys out there.
But seriously, when your partner is feeling upset and emotional it’s not the time to grab your tool belt and make everything better. You have no idea that’s what they want you to do. And it’s so dismissive of what they’re going through. If your partner wants suggestions about how it can be fixed. Wait for them to ask or at the very least ask them first if they want advice instead of support.
5. You keep complaining about this
I want to let you in on a little therapy secret. Do you want to know the likely reason your partner keeps “complaining” about the same thing? It’s because they don’t feel heard, seen or understood by you. It’s probably more of a “you” problem than a “them” problem. If your partner keeps bringing up the same thing try to stay with it instead of dismissing it as an old complaint. And ask them what you can do or say to make sure they feel like you get it.
6. When are you going to do something about it?
Okay this is the invalidating statement I say the most on this list. Oh it’s so hard to be there for your partner and see them so upset and not make positive changes to actually make the situation better. It drives me bonkers. But every time I ask this question it always backfires. Also, when anyone is really upset you can’t ask them to be really logical and practical. That’s just not possible when you’re hijacked by big emotions. So do your best to stay away from this statement.
7. That was so long ago
This is the most triggering statement on the list for me because this is what I hear from my family most often. Oh my god it drives me crazy. It’s like, I’m bringing this up again because you still haven’t taken accountability for it. I wish I could leave it in the past but I’m not going to be able to until one of you turds can genuinely apologize. Sorry. I obviously still have some therapy to do around my family. What I want to say is that you don’t get to give your partner’s pain an expiration date. Don’t be like my family.
8. I need you to relax first
Basically, what you’re saying is, I don’t want you to feel your emotions first. Guess what, your partner doesn’t want to feel these negative emotions either and if they could “relax” they would “relax” so don’t ask them to relax first. You’re also coming off like, “I’m the reasonable one and you’re the out of control one.” Don’t be that guy.
9. Tell me exactly what I said
Asking for the receipts rarely goes well! Oh it’s so invalidating. Was your partner supposed to be recording all your conversations? Should there be video cameras set up around the house? Trust me, I get where you’re coming from. You’re, like, whoa, tell me what I said because that’s not how I remember it! If you want to eventually get there, you first need to be more understanding of how they’re reacting.
10. You’re crazy!
Are we still saying this because I think we’re still saying this? I need to start a petition to get this response cancelled because it’s one of the most messed up things you could say. It’s also such a cop out. Try having an adult conversation instead of acting like a teenager. Calling someone’s emotional reaction crazy is a non-starter 100% of the time. It’s mean and it’s gaslighting. Resist the urge my friends, you’ll never win with this one.
11. It could be a lot worse
So basically you’re saying don’t feel your feelings because someone else is suffering more. Isn’t this true all the time? Of course someone has it harder but we’re not talking about that person. Why focus on someone else instead of your partner that’s having a hard time right in front of you. I get you’re trying to put things in perspective here but don’t do this until the feeling has passed. And maybe don’t even do it then.
Okay, before I tell you how you can give a nice validating response to your upset partner, I should say that it’s really hard not to say something on that list. You’re likely feeling attacked or misunderstood or maybe you’re filled with anxiety. If you’re feeling attacked it’s really hard not to be defensive. You also just want to make your partner feel better but could be feeling powerless and helpless.
Did you catch that? Did you see what I just did there? I imagined what it would feel like to have the emotional experience of wanting to sooth your partner that’s mad at you, and I used a bunch of feeling words to describe what it’s probably like for you. That’s basically all you have to do.
It can be tricky tho because you may want to be the one who’s upset and not them. I get that. And it’s important to get to your feelings heard as well. But this sorta thing only works one person at a time.
So, first, listen to what your partner is saying. Then repeat back to them in your own words what you think that’s like for them. Do it without judgment! And then ask if you got it right.
Then it’s up to them, and only them, to decide when they feel seen and heard by you. That’s it. That’s all you need to do. If they say you didn’t quite get it then listen up again and try to validate their emotional experience until you got it.
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